Destroyed. What happened yesterday? Speaking in terms of honesty my view from the ground is dark, the people remain unchanged. I need a constant reminder of who I am so I can try again to hide it. I’m getting sick of the bruises around my neck from all the times I’m losing control. I’d rather be ashamed to hide where I’ve been if it meant I was allowed to live again. Everyones convinced I’m not sane, but truth is they’re all the same. Breathe in, bleed out. Did you even mention my name? When you tried to hide it. Clawing the tears off my face and hiding them in your case with your shotgun taste in women. I’ll tie the noose a little tighter maybe this time it’ll break the skin just like your breath lingering like a sin. Today was the day that I finally broke down and I know tomorrow I’ll never be the same.
Sometimes you are forced to face the things you cannot change, cutting straight to the chase, the hardest thing to change is who you are. You have no choice but to wake up every morning and deal with the cards that have been placed on the table. Knowing and understanding however are two very different things. I refuse to understand how I continuously manage to destroy everything I work so hard for and care for simply because it shouldn’t happen.
I cry but my tears can only solve so much. The feeling of the warm moisture flowing down my cheeks pooling beneath my chin is comforting, but only when you’re not the one to whipe them away. I strived so hard to be something that I knew in my heart I couldn’t be, but I still try day in and day out. It’s like I’m running a race with the moon. Looking up because he follows me everywhere I go. But I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep losing myself in the infatuation because now I need him and I’m left with nothing to do, nothing to hold myself up, except me. I’d forgotten what it was like to miss someone down to your very core. That you can feel their absence in your bones and it shines through your eyes. My eyes, that are constantly flodded by the overwhelming amount of emotion burning in my throat.
I don’t want to be this way and I fail to comprehend why it is so hard for me to change. I cannot live like this… Who could? My heart feels like an ice cube in hot water. My strenth withering away as the time passes.
If you could hear me I’d tell you how sorry I am for pushing you away. I’d tell you how your smile, your smell, your taste haunt me in every way. I don’t want to miss you anymore. I’m tired of dreaming of your lips on mine, I want to feel their warmth and taste the pepermint chapstick. I want to pull at the buttons on your favourite shirt and laugh when you pretend to be superman. I want to look in your eyes and see how happy I make you. I want to stand in the shower and laugh as you steal my soap and use me as a wash cloth. I need you to tell me how warm I am as you wrap your arms around my waist. I need your breathing to put me to sleep and I need you to be with me because you have my heart to keep.
Last night I fell in love with innocence, grace and compassion. The meaning of all those words in one being weighs probably 3 pounds and spent an hour sleeping on my lap. Beauty is the hands of the beholder.
Aside from that, “he” still has no idea I was there.
Crushing, crumbling. I see nothing left on the floor except my chalk outline. I am a saint, trapped in the heart of a sinner. Breathing brings the light closer in the dark. Truth brings out the marker covered telephone booth. Broken in pieces, it’s me at your door. I can smell you through my pain, it comforts if only it were real. These goosebumps wont heal forever condemned to look past everything I feel. I’m cold. You’re on fire in the distance. Burning brighter than any light ever could. I crave your warmth, but your skin is too hot to touch. I can’t breathe, can’t you hear me gasping? It’s not a lot that I’m asking. Just hold me until the day turns to dawn, then I know that you’ll be gone. But please I need you not to leave. Porcelain is my expression, but I guess I’ve learned my lesson.
